Today I just want to curl up in a ball, lie in the darkness and cry. As I have said before, it is perfectly okay to embrace these days and cry when you want to cry. For me, it isn’t just about embracing today as a bad day, and I know it would be perfectly acceptable for me to do so, but I also need to learn how to cope with the continuous knock downs and disappointments that I am experiencing when it comes to trying to establish how safe it is for me to continue trying for the family I so desperately want. This is something I am struggling with the most.
As most of you will know after reading my original blog post my road to my happily ever after has not been the easiest ride, and as such I am now waiting for an HSG to check the patency of my remaining tube. On Thursday, I called the radiology department to chase up my HSG appointment (of which the third referral was sent for 3 weeks ago), the lady I spoke to was very helpful and had a look on the system to which she informed me that my referral was rejected on 4th October – TWO FRIGGING WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I immediately phoned my GP to follow this up, and I finally got a call from my GP yesterday. He told me he had not received the rejection and it was not showing on the system (this did encourage me to lower my hackles – as quite honestly I was ready to rip his small pea like head off of his little shoulders for the fact I hadn’t been informed). He has told me he will send another referral off to the local hospital, in the hope they will see me.
Because of all of this palaver, it has left me feeling somewhat reflective (and sorry for myself) today. Now I fully appreciate that the NHS is under great strain, and it is about working out whether having such an investigation would be worthwhile given that most procedures come with their own risks and side effects. However, not one person has actually sat me down to discuss this with me, or given me the time of day. Instead, my requests have been rejected left, right and centre leaving me feeling hopeless, worthless and like I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. Maybe in other people’s opinions I am, but I can’t control how my mind is behaving right now, and to me knowing one way or another if my remaining tube is okay could save me a lot of heartache and anxiety and help me start to plan for the future (one way or another).
What frustrates me most is that if I was able to spare approximately £1,000 I would be able to have this investigation done at the local private hospital. So why is it by going the NHS route everything seems so much more difficult than it needs to? Is it an endurance test to work out who wants it the most? Perhaps it is survival of the fittest. In fact, no, it’s survival of the richest. Because if I did have some loose change amounting to £1,000 I wouldn’t need to be battling my way through the NHS system.
Anyway, moan over. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully I won’t be feeling as sorry for myself as I am today.