I love and hate Christmas in equal messures.
I love it because it is an excuse-free day to spend time with your loved ones. We eat too much, drink too much and laugh too hard. And let’s not forget the presents….
I hate it because all around us there are more and more people sharing their sweet snaps of their visits to Santa, their elves on the shelves, and sweet cherubs dressed up in cute Christmas get-ups, and not to mention the photos of Christmas morning when Santa has been and the children are beside themselves with excitement. And this, for me, is a constant reminder of what we don’t have…
Christmas is so very magical with children, and I urge those with children with them this Christmas – please embrace the magic that having children brings, and please take a moment to remember just how lucky you are. There are people out there who would give literally everything for some magic in their homes too.
Every year we say “this time next year it won’t be just the two of us…” and every year is a bitter reminder that we haven’t been able to see through the promise we made to one another the previous year.
This week I had my consultants appointment, to discuss the possibility for investigations to be done into the quality of my remaining fallopian tube. During this appointment we were asked what we knew of the procedure I had undergone and we explained what we knew and understood so far. The consultant explained that had they thought there was any risk of my left tube being damaged then they would not have removed my right tube, they would have just removed the pregnancy. She asked if I wanted to see some pictures so she could show me the difference between my good tube and my damaged tube, and I agreed. With my consent she opened up my records to show me photographic images of the opperation I had undergone.
The first image was prior to the removal of my preganancy – you could clearly see a mangled mess on the right hand side of the picture, and in comparison a not so mangled mess on the left. She explained that this clearly showed the ectopic, but more importantly the damage surrounding my tube was aged, and therefore would have been there before the pregnancy had made itself at home. She pointed out that my left tube was as perfect as could be from an external point of view. She then tried to turn the page to show me the after photos. before she could finish turning the page, There, at the bottom was a picture of my right tube which appeared to have been sliced open showing a clear image of the pregnancy lodged within it. I pointed to it and asked “is that the ectopic” and she answered “yes” and tried to turn the page again. Before she could do so, I noticed a picture of a dish on the bottom right of the page. In the dish was a tiny alien looking splodge. “Was that the pregnancy” I asked, she replied simply again “yes, it is”, and turned the page again. Everything became like white noise from then onwards. I can’t really remember what was said for the next 2 – 3 minutes, and I couldn’t see through my tears. That little alien, sat in what looked like a petri dish, was my baby.
Thankfully my gorgeous husband was by my side. He found the strength that I needed him to have to ask the questions that he knew needed to be asked, and we left with the knowledge that this wonderful consultant was answering our prayers and was going to do all she can to investigate the state of play.
It turns out we don’t fall in the bracket to receive such investigations (bloody funding!), but we also don’t fall within the “no” bracket either. So we are essentially in limbo. She explained the alternative routes we can go down, should the referral for the HSG from her be rejected, which gave us more hope than we could have ever anticipated or hoped for. She has also sent a referral for me to have an ultrasound scan to check my PCOS is behaving itself, and some blood tests to check my hormone levels.
For the first time we have someone fighting our battle with us, we are not alone. She was on our side and was going to do all she can do to help us get the answers we so desperately need. HURRAH!!!!! If that is not a cause for a cheeky crimbo celebration, then I don’t know what is. Some would say it is a Christmas miracle.
Anyway, I am wishing everyone a very Merry Christmas, eat, drink and be merry one and all.
Who knows… Maybe this will be our last Christmas as a duo…