I have been a little quiet for a while, and for that I am sorry. It’s been a funny couple of months. So, despite my pre-crimbo grumble, I actually had the most perfect Christmas. It was filled with laughter, FAR too much food, lots of games, and wonderful memories which I will keep dear to my heart forever.
Following this, Sam and I had a wonderful couple of months. I had my birthday, which was wonderful and I was well and truly spoilt. I had a beautiful day surrounded by all my incredible friends and family and I feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded such wonderful people. In February, we had a few nights away which was lovely – a couple for work and then one night at the incredible Crazy Bear Hotel in Beaconsfield which had been my Christmas present from Sam. It was nice for us to spend a few nights away just us, away from the mundane day to day worries and stresses of life; something that we really needed. My Grandmother has also been staying in the South since before Christmas, and it has been so very special having her around (she lives in the North), we have made some wonderful memories and I miss her terribly now that she has gone back home.
There has also been a slightly darker side to the last couple of months; there have also been a couple of pregnancy “scares”, which for once – wasn’t actually a scare! By that, I mean that for the first time in 3 years I did not have the overwhelming anxiety I usually have around doing a pregnancy test.
The first test was done a couple of days after New Year when I realised I was 8 days late. Oooops! So I did the test, the whole time feeling relaxed and composed. We even waited for the full two minutes before looking at it; normally we sit staring at it waiting for something to happen whilst I hyperventilate thinking of all the horrific outcomes that could be awaiting us. But not this time though, oh no! We were the perfect picture of calm. Before anyone gets too excited, it was negative, BUT the biggest achievement for me was that it felt like the most natural thing.
The last few weeks, however, I have not been feeling myself; sickness, tiredness (beyond belief), and don’t even get me started on how painful my boobs have been! Cutting a very long story short, after 3 and a half weeks of every pregnancy symptom going and a couple of rookie looking negative pregnancy tests we got a very faint positive last Monday. The following day was an incredibly stressful day involving a lot of moving around of heavy boxes, which a couple of hours later left me with the most excruciating stomach cramps, and by the time Wednesday came I had been left with little to no symptoms (other than a little sickness). In my heart I knew what was coming next. Thursday morning I woke up, and I wasn’t in a good way. I won’t go into too much detail, but I had started to bleed – and very heavily at that.
On top of this, last week I was due to be having my appointment at the fertility clinic and this was to discuss the results of the appeal for the HSG (which is a procedure used to check the patency of my remaining fallopian tube). They phoned me the day before(!!!!) and informed me that the person that was due to be running the clinic was in fact on annual leave… ARE YOU F*&$ING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!??! Seriously, it’s the day before my appointment and it wasn’t known that this person was on holiday?! I was fuming. However, due to the pregnancy symptoms I had been feeling I held on to the possibility that there was a reason for this; and maybe it was because I didn’t need it. I was wrong.
Needless to say, I have spent the last couple of days feeling really quite low, and a little like the wind has been taken from my sails. It has felt like the biggest hit to the stomach that I have had in a long long while. I am lucky enough to have the best Mummy in the world, and so I have spent the last couple of days with her, which has been emotionally nourishing and comforting – just what a girl needs. I have been wanting to write a blog for a few days now, but I haven’t been able to find the right words, or the energy to explain what has been going on.
Today I received a letter through the post. A letter that left me speechless. A letter that has filled my heart with so much joy. A letter that read:
“We have received a referral to make an appointment for a Hysterosalpingogram examination. Please call our offices to book your appointment.”
I GOT MY REFERRAL!!!!! I GOT MY MOTHERFUDGING REFERRAL!!!!!!!!
Needless to say, there has been an awful lot of happy tears today. I am over the moon. I honestly want to cry just writing this.
There was obviously a reason for me putting off writing this blog. There was also a reason for my appointment being cancelled last week. Finally, there was clearly a reason for my hurting heart this week whilst experiencing another broken dream. I have always been a firm believer in “everything happens for a reason”, and this is the proof I needed to continue believing that everything really does happen for a reason!
I will keep you all posted as I embark on this next stage of my journey and of course I will document it all as I go.